I’ve been a mom now for 6 1/2 years. I do not claim to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination. That being said, I’ve made a list of some insights that let me know that I am actually a mom…
You know you’re a mom when:
1. You have uttered the sentence, “Please do not wipe your booger next to your dinner plate.”
2. You’ve spent 2 1/2 hours in urgent care only to be told that something is a virus and you should really go home and put your kid to bed.
3. You open your purse and find a wet wipe, a half eaten candy cane, a hot wheels car, a used tissue, a crayon, and a dirty sock, but you can’t find a pen to save your life.
4. You have put off grocery shopping in order to avoid an aisle 5 meltdown.
5. You know the location of every public restroom in town, as well as which ones are the “good ones”. You are also aware of which restrooms have automatic toilet flushers, and you avoid them like the plague because your kid is petrified of them.
6. You have washed your kids clothes at someone else’s house because of an “accident”.
7. You have wondered why on earth they wouldn’t just make all kids shoes with velcro.
8. You turn your head whenever someone utters the word “mom”.
9. You know all the restaurants that have “kids eat free” nights.
10. You have spent 15 minutes or more in a public restroom waiting for someone to poop.
11. You can quote Spongebob, Hannah Montana, and Kung Fu Panda.
12. You have ordered a “Crabby Patty” in a restaurant because your kid will eat a “Crabby Patty”, but won’t touch a cheeseburger.
13. You feel the tiniest bit of pride when your 6 year old corrects their friend’s grammar. You feel a little bit more pride, when she corrects her friend’s mom’s grammar. You feel like you will burst with pride when she corrects the grammar of a perfect stranger.
14. You have smelled another human’s butt, fully anticipating there to be a horrible odor coming from it. (For those who are not mom’s, this is a good way to see if a diaper needs changing!)
15. You consider your annual Pap Smear “me time”.
16. You can, quite literally, change a diaper in your sleep.
17. You know just how far a container of baby powder will go when yielded by a 3 year old, and how hard it is to vacuum.
18. You have picked your kid’s lollipop (or binky) up off the street, rinsed it off with orange juice, and handed it back to your kid, all the while telling strangers not to look.
19. You consider cold cereal to be a perfectly acceptable dinner on nights when Daddy’s not home.
20. You’ve gone to the store at 2 am for Orajel. Or whiskey.
21. You’ve chased your kid through a store while wearing an unbuttoned shirt because they escaped from the fitting room.
22. You’ve left the house looking like hell, meanwhile your kids are dressed to the nines…..because it’s picture day!
23. You’ve been asked to leave a church service.
24. Your child says a cuss word, and you know that it’s all your fault. And you kinda think it’s funny but would never admit it.
25. You open your silverware drawer and realize that you have more silly straws than spoons. And then you consider whether or not it would be wise to allow your kids to eat Jello with a silly straw.
Please add any others you can think of!